The last couple of weeks in dot points

  • Feeling positive, feeling negative, repeat
  • Good mood, sad mood, repeat
  • Two binges and generally I haven’t been eating healthy
  • Work stress isn’t helping
  • Finally feeling like I’m on top of things in the last couple of days
  • Trying to do more meal preparation (usually I prepare lunch for the next day, this week I have prepped a few days worth of food)
  • Today I’m feeling good. I’m feeling less stressed. I slept well last night, which helps my eating in such a big way.

Will try for another update soon when not so busy

xx

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Sometimes I really hate my ‘irrational self’

I’ve been thinking about rational versus irrational. It’s interesting how I can feel totally positive, in control and rational in one moment; and then a few seconds later I can do a 180 and feel the total opposite.

Is it that I’m over sensitive and when something is out of my control I have a big reaction? Maybe. I can be controlling about some elements of my life, but not all. Obviously not all because I have experienced that total loss of control when binge eating.

This post kind of links with a previous one on positivity and negativity.

I thought I’d try to break it down and identify what goes through my head when I’m feeling irrational, maybe then if I can identify it, I can tell myself that I’m being irrational and talk myself into a more positive place.

It’s my irrational self that:

  • tells me to weigh myself every morning
  • makes me feel down on myself when I’m not happy with that figure on the scales or it inexplicably goes up for no reason at all
  • makes me think that food will be a comfort

When I feel strong and positive my ‘rational self’ is in control and:

  • tells me not to worry about what’s on the scales, because right now I am focussing on being healthy and getting my binge eating under control
  • takes joy in the fact that my bingeing is getting under control
  • tells me that my mildly underactive thyroid makes it harder for me to lose weight, it’s not impossible but progress will be slower
  • tells me that being healthy is better than being thin
  • reminds me that I have an injury that needs a couple more weeks to heal so exercise is on the back burner for a little while

Overcoming negative thoughts

Today was an okay day. Work was okay. My food intake was pretty good. But I felt down and that led me to feel a bit negative. I don’t know what I felt like that today, but it got me thinking about negative thoughts.

I guess partially this has been put in my head by the Quit Binge Eating podcasts I’ve been listening to. I think it resonates with me a little bit. Maybe it’s because I binge eat? Maybe it’s just human nature to have negative thoughts once in a while? I don’t know.

I’m generally a pretty positive and happy person. When I have my negative or ‘feeling down’ moments they are not overwhelming. I am not depressed, but that’s not what I’m talking about anyway.

It’s those little voices in your head. Today my motivation at work was awful – it took me ages to get through tasks that should have only taken a couple of hours. Usually if I can’t get something done or my motivation is lacking, I drop it and go back to it later. But today I wasn’t motivated to do that. I kept working on the same thing really slowly.

With binge eating when those negative thoughts start they would usually lead me to the fridge or the cupboard. When I got back from work that’s the first thing I did. I stared into the fridge looking for something even though I wasn’t particularly hungry. So I took a breath, shut the fridge and went for a walk. My head is a bit clearer and I feel a bit better, but those nagging thoughts are still there.

It’s hard to describe what I mean by my ‘negative thoughts’. It is not an actual voice that is negative. It is non-specific. It’s just this general feeling of ‘I can’t be bothered’, ‘what’s the point’ or ‘who cares’. I feel good that I was able to get some clarity and not just dive into the fridge. I’ve had moments where I just get home from work and maybe have a glass of wine and eat (whether I binge or not) and my evening is a write-off.

Writing this blog helps too, even though today I feel like I’m a bit all over the place.

So in this blog and in the Brain over Binge book they talk about neural pathways in our brains that lead us to act or think like we have in the past. These neural pathways have been used so much they have a path beaten into them. It’s not that we’re forced to use the path; it’s just what comes natural. I guess it’s like forming new habits. It takes time and for a while it seems unnatural, but eventually it happens if you keep at it.

I’ve been thinking about my negative thoughts and binge eating thoughts with this mind frame. The thoughts are there, but I don’t need to let them take over or affect me.

I decide what is good for me, what I do, how I feel and what I put in my mouth. Even typing that makes me feel better.

16813_qutote_positive

Bad day

Today I had a bad day. Some frustrating news this afternoon. I was also feeling a bit stressed.

I came home and ate a salmon salad. I ate too much of it. Then had an ice cream cone that had been in the freezer for a week (that’s a long time for me).

Then I had some chocolate.

It wasn’t a huge binge. But it feels like it a binge because I know I didn’t need that food. I know I had it because I was frustrated and feeling stressed and a bit overwhelmed by some things going on in my life.

The last week has been so good, but I think the frustration and anxiety built up and by over eating something, even something healthy, I fell into the trap of a binge.

Usually I would have this internal struggle and want to make up for it tomorrow by eating light and cutting back, but I know restricting is not the way to go. It pushes me to binge if I let myself get really hungry.

I’m disappointed in myself but I’m not going to let this one small slip set me back. It’s just one small slip and compared to other binges it was quite small.

Sigh.

I’m going to go listen to some of the Quit Binge Eating podcasts.

I love food, I hate food

Me and food. We’re old friends and enemies. Sometimes we get along so well. And other times we clash.

I love good, healthy food. But I also love chocolate and cheese and wine and a good parma (I am an Aussie after all).

For the last ten or so years I’ve struggled with binge eating on and off. It started way back when I was renting an apartment and had an awful roomy that would steal my food. So I started keeping some food in my bedroom. I was upset one night and started eating, and couldn’t stop. It wasn’t like from that moment I was a binge eater. It was very gradual. Surprisingly, it has taken me years to pinpoint that moment. I just always thought there was something wrong in my head, or I was greedy and liked to over-indulge.

Over the years I’ve had moments where I didn’t binge at all. But when I did binge, it was a constant at the back of my mind. I was so angry with myself, because all I could think of was food.

So like last time, I have copied a journal entry from last year. A time when I thought writing a journal would help. It did, I guess to some extent. It helped me to think carefully about what I was thinking at the time I binged. But it didn’t cure me.

This is a journal entry from 18 June 2012.

4.30pm

Spent most of the day studying at the library, having taken my own advice from yesterday. It was good to be out of the house and I was quite productive although I still have plenty to do.

Food wise, I have been pretty good today. Much better than yesterday at least. I have snacked though, and just ate some bread because it was deliciously fresh and warm so it was hard to resist. I ate a couple of bits, probably equivalent to a medium sized bread role. I could have eaten more but I stopped myself and have put it away.

I’m going to study for a while and then cook some dinner. But I am only going to cook enough for one meal tonight.

I feel so much better having spent the day out of the house.

8.00pm

So I just finished dinner and I did exactly what I said. I cooked one portion, I ate it slowly and it was just enough. But for some stupid reason I finished off that olive bread that I bought today. I just sat and finished it off. Now I am uncomfortably full. And before long I’ll be sleepy and so much for cramming before the exam.

Why do I jeopardise myself like this?

I don’t even know what emotion I was feeling when I did it. I know I’m feeling a bit worried and stressed about my exam tomorrow, but it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind while I ate. But maybe it was just the fact that it was in my subconscious.

I’m going to try to forget about it and just focus on study for the next couple of hours. At least until I finish off the questions.

I’m so not feeling prepared for this exam but hopefully I will at least scrape through with a pass. I don’t care what I get as long as I pass and don’t have to do it again.

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