Why is integrity undervalued?

I deal with people everyday. In my personal and professional life. Like everyone I guess.

In the last few months integrity has crossed my mind numerous times. It still completely and utterly astounds me when I come across people with a low moral compass. People who don’t choose to do the right thing. I understand sometimes that choice is difficult, but what about when it is an easy choice? Or what about when the outcome wouldn’t change, regardless of whether you are doing the right thing?

One situation comes to mind in my workplace where someone in a senior position treated me badly. The way they treated me, did not change the outcome. In fact, it had absolutely no impact on the outcome. However, they truly showed their true colours by treating me badly. Their treatment could be seen as subjective and you could say that in their eyes their actions were fine. I really don’t see it like that. That person choose to make things tough for me, they used intimidation and pressure.

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In another situation (one that I wasn’t involved in) and not in the working environment, a person treated someone I know badly. They used intimidation to come out ahead financially. Their tactics didn’t work, but the effort was there to ‘one up’ another person for a financial benefit.

It’s no use getting frustrated about things that are entirely outside of your control. But man, is it frustrating to be forced to deal with someone who doesn’t have good integrity.

I value people who have good integrity, even when the situation is uncomfortable and there is pressure or temptation to do the wrong thing.

I wish integrity came up in conversation more often.

We should talk more about the value of having a good character and good morals, and talk less about superficial things.

I’m going to try.

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Does my mood affect my eating or does my eating affect my mood?

I’ve been feeling really good this last week or so.

Exercising regularly, eating well without crazy restriction and very minimal sugar. Whenever I’m on the high road I always wonder how long it is going to last. Work has been going really well, compared to my last job from a few months ago it is awesome.

I am also just in a really good mood. All the time. Which is great, but how long will it last?

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I know this isn’t going to last and I’ve previously posted, I think, about maintaining all these positive things when things stop going well.

I don’t even know how to break down or identify when things start to go down, or even why.

Sometimes I think it’s because I stop exercising, which affects my endorphins which affects my sleep and it starts the downward cycle.

Other times I think it has something to do with my eating. Either eating a lot of processed food or sugar that affects my mood, or maybe it’s more biological than that and affects my gut. I’ve read about the link between gut health and depression. Not that I’m depressed but there is clearly a link there and I wish I knew what came first.

Does my mood affect my eating or does my eating affect my mood?

In all likelihood it is both.

So continuing this path of acceptance and self-love that I talked about in my previous post, I guess all I can do is recognise that I will go up and down. Things are never always going to be great and accepting that is a good thing. I’ve struggled a lot with quite extreme black and white thinking in the past and it’s a tough thought pattern to break.

Onward and upward xx

 

All you need is…

I need to lose weight.

I hate saying that but if I am completely honest with myself it is true.

It feels uncomfortable saying that for so many reasons.

A big reason is that I have spent so much of my adult life beating myself up over everything and body image is huge for me. I have struggled with binge eating which started because of an isolated traumatic experience and a habit formed that I couldn’t let go. It was compounded further by feelings of inadequacy, striving for perfectionism and black and white thinking.

Saying that I need to lose weight also feels uncomfortable because I am so very very supportive of the body positive movement. I am very aware of the pressure being placed on people – it used to be women, but I think now it’s everyone – to have the perfect body.

But I don’t want to write about the body positive movement, this is my blog and today I’m writing about me. I know I need to lose weight because I have slowly but steadily been putting on weight throughout my adult life. I have just crossed in to dangerous territory where regular shop clothes are starting to not fit. Not every where, but there’s a lot of places that I used to shop in and now I avoid those stores because it’s been so long since anything has fit.

I have just crossed in to dangerous territory where regular shop clothes are starting to not fit.

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I also have a lot of clothes in my wardrobe that I want to fit into again.

Another reason that I want to lose weight is my health. I don’t have the energy I used to – I still do everything I want but I know my general health will be improved if I lighten up a bit.

I also – and I hate to admit this – but I found a fucking stretch mark! The horror! All you women out there – especially you mums, this is not a pregnancy stretch mark. This is a, I’ve put weight on and now it’s affecting my body in ways that I don’t want to admit, stretch mark. And no, I’m not a teenager so this is not about my body just growing up. Insert a big long sigh here.

So I’m short, I’m getting older (late thirties) and I know that it will just get harder for me to lose weight.

I see so many friends just set their mind to losing weight, and they do it. 10kgs – sure no problem! 20kgs – yep, I’ve got this! But me, with my not so distant history of binge eating struggles a bit more to lose weight. I’m sure it’s a combination of what’s going on in my head and what I’ve done to my body slash metabolism means that I find it very hard to lose weight.

So getting back to the point of this blog entry. I do have one.

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All you need is love.

This is a fairly new thing for me. I’m not in love, I’m as single as they come. I’m pretty happy too, although the self love thing is what I don’t have much of. But I’m trying to hold on to it. It’s working. I recently read an article about this lovely woman who lost like 100kgs who realised that you can’t create something positive from a place of negativity.

you can’t create something positive from a place of negativity

I’ve been trying to practice some self love and when I do, when I have compassion and kindness and all things nice, it works. I don’t struggle with my eating. I don’t struggle with procrastination. I’m more likely to see the good in other people and in myself.

Looking after myself and eating healthy food and exercising comes a lot easier when I am doing it from a place of kindness and not because I feel like shit. You know what I used to say to myself. I used to say that I sucked at life. That is so harsh. If ever I heard a friend talking like that I would be shocked and tell them how wonderful they are if only they could see themselves how others did.

I used to say that I sucked at life.

I wonder why it’s so hard for some people and not for others? I imagine some people would read this and think I was completely stating the obvious.

So there you go, all you need is love. Love. Love is all you need.

The dysfunction of social media

I’ve been thinking lately about how social media is dysfunctional. I know that we all know that, and I’m not thinking about dysfunction in the broader sense, as in the pretense of it all. No, I’m thinking more on the micro level. The nuances between friends. Those little thoughts that cross your minds before you hit like. Or maybe it’s only me.

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I have some friends who are generous with their likes and comments and in turn I am generous with my likes and comments. I like the bulk of their posts. Mostly. When I see them anyway. But my point is that nothing crosses my mind before I like a post other than whether I actually like or appreciate the post in some way.

Other friends however….and I mean the complicated friendships. We all have those. Well women do anyway. The ones where you seem to like their posts, but they never ever ever like yours. And you know they are on social media. They post, they are there. There are so many watchers. And no this is not a blog about the different types of social media users.

I guess my point is that social media for me has created a loud speaker for those dysfunctional friendships. Without social media those dysfunctional friendships would be so different. It’s hard to imagine what they would be like. But I imagine ‘like hesitation’ would be replaced by awkwardness over the phone or in person.

Second thinking over an event invitation would be replaced by forced honesty. In the real world when we send invites and ask for an RSVP there is no maybe or interested option. Be a grown up and decide.

The chronic event responder (we all have a friend like that…the one that is interested in way too many events that are humanly possible to even attend) would be replaced by the gig guide clipper. Now it feels like the nineties.gig_guide.jpg

I guess I’m feeling like social media has added a complication to some of my friendships that I am trying to let go of.

Life is too short for complications and ‘like hesitation’.

Like, love, share.

I do love social media, it makes me feel closer to some friends but it can make me very aware of barriers with others.

Here is an old buzz feed video that made me giggle. I know I know, Buzzfeed is so 2013!

Looking back is funny (but not ha ha funny)

Hello again.

In my first few posts I posted a journal entry from about a year and a half ago. I’m going to continue along that thread and post one from the 19 June 2012.

It’s really bizarre to read back on this entry. I can’t believe I was even considering alcohol as a binge pause button!? Crazy stuff. I might have done that a few times last year, but it was really no more than that. Not a good idea.

In my previous post I said that I couldn’t keep a food diary because it increases my focus on food, and I already obsess about it way too much.

Reading back on this last journal entry it seems like journaling was kind of doing the same thing.

I don’t ever remember binging every day (more than the occasional time anyway) so it’s odd to think I had being doing it every day while I was writing in my journal. So much of the literature out there advises that writing a journal is a good idea for anyone with the slightest inkling of an eating disorder. But it doesn’t really work for me. I eventually stopped with the journal writing.

I wonder if blogging will do the same thing?

I feel like I’m in quite a different head space to back then, I’m much more focused, hopeful and optimistic so I will forge ahead with my blogging (for now anyway).

—-

11.30pm

I had my exam today, I was pretty stressed and didn’t realise how much until I finished. Thank god that is over. My food intake earlier in the day was good, all the way until lunch anyway. On my way to the exam I bought myself a chocolate bar. The sensible part of me, keeping in mind the stuff I’ve been reading says that one chocolate bar in moderation is okay. If I don’t have any of the food I like I’ll be more likely to buy it in bulk and binge. But the non-sensible part of me is guilty and I feel like I’m cheating on a diet.

I’ve been reading Stephanie’s tips for preventing binges. The first tip is to create a no-fail environment, and find your pause button. Towards the end of today, after I got home, I started snacking and couldn’t stop. I didn’t have much junk food in the house and I never considered going and buying some, although I often would have in the past. But I went through the pantry and fridge opening this and that, even when I knew I wasn’t hungry. I guess the positive things are that I didn’t stuff myself stupid so I’m not uncomfortably full, I just feel like I’ve had a meal. When I wanted to stop I had an alcoholic drink, Frangelico my favourite. I know that is probably a bad habit to get into, replacing food for alcohol. But while I’m having it I don’t want anything else, and providing I just have one it can’t be too bad. After I had it I went and finished off the packed of crackers I opened. They were the light wafer kind, it’s kind of like eating card board, and they are not heavy at all which is why I don’t feel like I’ve binged. But the fact that I didn’t need them indicates that it was a binge.

So my pause button, could alcohol be my pause button for now? Maybe until I find a better one. I’ve been thinking about not being so hard on myself, I can be really hard on myself and make myself quite miserable after I’ve had a binge. I feel like the guilt and shame is so over powering that it’s all I can think of. I regret binging today, and I feel some guilt and shame but the extent is not as bad.

I don’t have binges on consecutive days yet I have since I’ve been writing this journal. I wonder if because so much of my focus is on eating that I keep on thinking of binging and it’s going to turn into a vicious cycle. Could that happen? Surely brushing things under the carpet is worse.