I’ve been having a problem with negative thoughts lately. I’m not sure what’s going on but they seem to be taking over my mind a lot more than usual. I am not the most positive person, I can be at times, but the thoughts can really brew in my mind and turn over and over until they are so distorted I don’t know what’s real or what my mind has made me see.
I wish I could be happy, truly happy. Especially when I am around other people. But often that is the time when my thoughts come up the most. Every time I say or do something I analyse every interaction to try to find something negative in what I have said. Like I am trying to hide my inner self and I just put on a happy face to try to fool people. I can feel myself searching for something negative emanating from another person either in their actions or the words in reaction to me.
I want to see the best in people. But the people I know the most, I seem to see more negative things in them. I try not to.
Why is it the people closest to us are the ones that we are harshest on?
This is my first blog post in months. I know I am lucky to even have one person read it, but it doesn’t matter. The process of writing seems to help me deal with troublesome thoughts.
I feel like such an imposter at times. I don’t let the true me out. But I still don’t know who the true me is. Even though I should at my age. I want to be around people but when I am I am not happy. If I am alone too much I am also not happy. I don’t often get invited to do things with other people, but I get sick of being the person who often initiates catch ups with others.
I am sick of the falseness of social media. But I can feel myself playing into that and posting happy selfies and pretty scenery. Fake. Fake Fake.
I am sick of the posts people often share that they will be there for their friends if they are struggling with mental illness or depression or anxiety. But these people never put out a message to see how I am doing. But it’s not like I reach out to them either.
This post makes me sound really depressed. I am feeling a bit depressed today, but usually I am not this bad. Letting some of it out and seeing it written makes it seem real. Which helps me let it go.