Major stuff up today

The day started off okay. I went out for lunch with friends, had a couple of glasses of wine. Then I stopped at the shops on my way home. I should have just gone straight home, there was nothing I needed to get that couldn’t wait.

I don’t know what came over me. I kept on putting item after item in my shopping basket. Food that I didn’t need: chips, popcorn, chocolate and biscuits.

When I got home I picked at everything, but I didn’t finish anything.

Initially I had this weird excitement, and then when I started eating I just didn’t want it and felt awful. But I kept on picking at it.

It didn’t go as long as some binges. I started with one item. Then would stop. Then I’d start again with the next item.

Even after the first couple of bites I realised I didn’t want it. But I didn’t stop straight away.

I still have the food sitting on my kitchen table. I’ve put it into a plastic bag. I know if I keep it in the house I risk eating it later tonight or tomorrow. I’m going to throw it in the rubbish bin outside.

I feel sick and awful.

Yes

Yesterday was an incredibly stressful day at work. It was demanding and by the end of the day I was totally drained and exhausted. I just wanted to go home and veg on the couch.

Days like that are usually big triggers for bingeing.

But last night not only did I not binge, but bingeing never even popped into my mind.

There was no conscious effort to avoid bingeing….at all.

It was only this morning when I was reflecting on the stress the day before that I realised.

It feels like a win. A big win actually.

animal-cute-dance-funny-squirrel-Favim.com-329908_large

Thinking positive

Well after my crappy day yesterday I thought I’d try to pick myself up today. I thought I might share some sources of inspiration.

I’ve been listening to the Quit Binge Eating podcasts….a lot.

I discovered this podcast about a week and a half ago, and every day I’ve been listening. It’s hosted by this guy – Alen Standish – who has a history of binge eating. He doesn’t have a medical or mental health background, he just started the podcast to share his experiences. He has lots of guests including therapists and other people who experience binge eating disorder.

It’s definitely worth checking out if you’re feeling like you need some inspiration and information.

The link to the website is listed in my ‘Stuff I like’ page and available on itunes.

I’d also recommend reading Brain over Binge by Kathryn Hansen. She talks about binge eating urges as being a primal, addictive voice from the lower part of the brain. By thinking of urges like this you can separate them from your higher, intelligent self.

Worth a read.

Untitled

Bad day

Today I had a bad day. Some frustrating news this afternoon. I was also feeling a bit stressed.

I came home and ate a salmon salad. I ate too much of it. Then had an ice cream cone that had been in the freezer for a week (that’s a long time for me).

Then I had some chocolate.

It wasn’t a huge binge. But it feels like it a binge because I know I didn’t need that food. I know I had it because I was frustrated and feeling stressed and a bit overwhelmed by some things going on in my life.

The last week has been so good, but I think the frustration and anxiety built up and by over eating something, even something healthy, I fell into the trap of a binge.

Usually I would have this internal struggle and want to make up for it tomorrow by eating light and cutting back, but I know restricting is not the way to go. It pushes me to binge if I let myself get really hungry.

I’m disappointed in myself but I’m not going to let this one small slip set me back. It’s just one small slip and compared to other binges it was quite small.

Sigh.

I’m going to go listen to some of the Quit Binge Eating podcasts.

Looking back is funny (but not ha ha funny)

Hello again.

In my first few posts I posted a journal entry from about a year and a half ago. I’m going to continue along that thread and post one from the 19 June 2012.

It’s really bizarre to read back on this entry. I can’t believe I was even considering alcohol as a binge pause button!? Crazy stuff. I might have done that a few times last year, but it was really no more than that. Not a good idea.

In my previous post I said that I couldn’t keep a food diary because it increases my focus on food, and I already obsess about it way too much.

Reading back on this last journal entry it seems like journaling was kind of doing the same thing.

I don’t ever remember binging every day (more than the occasional time anyway) so it’s odd to think I had being doing it every day while I was writing in my journal. So much of the literature out there advises that writing a journal is a good idea for anyone with the slightest inkling of an eating disorder. But it doesn’t really work for me. I eventually stopped with the journal writing.

I wonder if blogging will do the same thing?

I feel like I’m in quite a different head space to back then, I’m much more focused, hopeful and optimistic so I will forge ahead with my blogging (for now anyway).

—-

11.30pm

I had my exam today, I was pretty stressed and didn’t realise how much until I finished. Thank god that is over. My food intake earlier in the day was good, all the way until lunch anyway. On my way to the exam I bought myself a chocolate bar. The sensible part of me, keeping in mind the stuff I’ve been reading says that one chocolate bar in moderation is okay. If I don’t have any of the food I like I’ll be more likely to buy it in bulk and binge. But the non-sensible part of me is guilty and I feel like I’m cheating on a diet.

I’ve been reading Stephanie’s tips for preventing binges. The first tip is to create a no-fail environment, and find your pause button. Towards the end of today, after I got home, I started snacking and couldn’t stop. I didn’t have much junk food in the house and I never considered going and buying some, although I often would have in the past. But I went through the pantry and fridge opening this and that, even when I knew I wasn’t hungry. I guess the positive things are that I didn’t stuff myself stupid so I’m not uncomfortably full, I just feel like I’ve had a meal. When I wanted to stop I had an alcoholic drink, Frangelico my favourite. I know that is probably a bad habit to get into, replacing food for alcohol. But while I’m having it I don’t want anything else, and providing I just have one it can’t be too bad. After I had it I went and finished off the packed of crackers I opened. They were the light wafer kind, it’s kind of like eating card board, and they are not heavy at all which is why I don’t feel like I’ve binged. But the fact that I didn’t need them indicates that it was a binge.

So my pause button, could alcohol be my pause button for now? Maybe until I find a better one. I’ve been thinking about not being so hard on myself, I can be really hard on myself and make myself quite miserable after I’ve had a binge. I feel like the guilt and shame is so over powering that it’s all I can think of. I regret binging today, and I feel some guilt and shame but the extent is not as bad.

I don’t have binges on consecutive days yet I have since I’ve been writing this journal. I wonder if because so much of my focus is on eating that I keep on thinking of binging and it’s going to turn into a vicious cycle. Could that happen? Surely brushing things under the carpet is worse.