Feeling in control

Two days ago, I almost binged.

I didn’t quite realise it at the time. But all the tell tale signs were there.

The day started off okay, it wasn’t my usual routine though. The thing that totally threw it out of whack was that I didn’t have my usual meals at the usual times.

Instead of having breakfast as soon as I get to work, I had a handful of nuts on the go.

Instead of having my usual lunch, I was out and about and grabbed something quick a bit later.

Because I had a late lunch, I wasn’t hungry at dinner and picked. Then I picked some more. I hadn’t done my weekly shop so I didn’t have much food around the house. But each time I picked I would have something small, and a little bit later I’d be hungry. Repeat.

Usually that kind of picking and eating small bits that don’t fill me up sets me up for a binge.

But in hindsight, the things I picked at were not really unhealthy, and the total quantity was not that different to a typical meal for me.

It’s nice to feel in control.

Major stuff up today

The day started off okay. I went out for lunch with friends, had a couple of glasses of wine. Then I stopped at the shops on my way home. I should have just gone straight home, there was nothing I needed to get that couldn’t wait.

I don’t know what came over me. I kept on putting item after item in my shopping basket. Food that I didn’t need: chips, popcorn, chocolate and biscuits.

When I got home I picked at everything, but I didn’t finish anything.

Initially I had this weird excitement, and then when I started eating I just didn’t want it and felt awful. But I kept on picking at it.

It didn’t go as long as some binges. I started with one item. Then would stop. Then I’d start again with the next item.

Even after the first couple of bites I realised I didn’t want it. But I didn’t stop straight away.

I still have the food sitting on my kitchen table. I’ve put it into a plastic bag. I know if I keep it in the house I risk eating it later tonight or tomorrow. I’m going to throw it in the rubbish bin outside.

I feel sick and awful.