Does my mood affect my eating or does my eating affect my mood?

I’ve been feeling really good this last week or so.

Exercising regularly, eating well without crazy restriction and very minimal sugar. Whenever I’m on the high road I always wonder how long it is going to last. Work has been going really well, compared to my last job from a few months ago it is awesome.

I am also just in a really good mood. All the time. Which is great, but how long will it last?

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I know this isn’t going to last and I’ve previously posted, I think, about maintaining all these positive things when things stop going well.

I don’t even know how to break down or identify when things start to go down, or even why.

Sometimes I think it’s because I stop exercising, which affects my endorphins which affects my sleep and it starts the downward cycle.

Other times I think it has something to do with my eating. Either eating a lot of processed food or sugar that affects my mood, or maybe it’s more biological than that and affects my gut. I’ve read about the link between gut health and depression. Not that I’m depressed but there is clearly a link there and I wish I knew what came first.

Does my mood affect my eating or does my eating affect my mood?

In all likelihood it is both.

So continuing this path of acceptance and self-love that I talked about in my previous post, I guess all I can do is recognise that I will go up and down. Things are never always going to be great and accepting that is a good thing. I’ve struggled a lot with quite extreme black and white thinking in the past and it’s a tough thought pattern to break.

Onward and upward xx

 

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The last couple of weeks in dot points

  • Feeling positive, feeling negative, repeat
  • Good mood, sad mood, repeat
  • Two binges and generally I haven’t been eating healthy
  • Work stress isn’t helping
  • Finally feeling like I’m on top of things in the last couple of days
  • Trying to do more meal preparation (usually I prepare lunch for the next day, this week I have prepped a few days worth of food)
  • Today I’m feeling good. I’m feeling less stressed. I slept well last night, which helps my eating in such a big way.

Will try for another update soon when not so busy

xx

Celebrating my wins!

Win #1 19 days of eating no added sugar…no chocolates, candies or baddies!

Win #2 I’m 2 kilos down and feeling good

Win #3 The less added sugar I have, the less I seem to want it. Some very minor, “I could go some chocolate about now”, but not too bad in the scheme of things

Win #4 I can’t even remember the last time I binged, or thought about bingeing. It was probably around Christmas when people gave me so much chocolate.

Win #5 My skin is really clear at the moment. I guess it’s the Slow Carb Diet. But for the last five or so days, I’ve eaten no nasties at all. No dairy and no wheat. I usually have a couple of small pimples along my jawline, I’ve read that they are hormonal pimples, and they are totally gone. I wonder if it’s the dairy or the wheat.

Has it really been this long?

Wow, it’s been a really really long time since I last posted.

First of all, thank goodness Christmas is done and dusted. I am not a Christmas hater! There are lots of things I love about that time of the year: catching up with family and friends, end of year celebrations, summer sales and all that glorious food.

But there are also things I hate, um all that glorious food! Plus people giving me boxes of chocolate as presents!  Ahhh! I wish I had the courage to give them back! But I don’t, I take them and eat them and regret them. I can never even seem to throw them out. Anyway, I received maybe 2 or 3 boxes of chocolate, luckily not they were not that big.

I can’t believe it’s February already. I started a new job at the start of the year so the time has flown as I’ve been trying to get my head around everything.

But, I feel like I’m kind of getting back on track with health stuff. I put on the token and expected 2 kilos over Christmas. I think I’m down almost one. But today is day four of FebFast and I’ve given up sugar for the month. Yep, that crazy white stuff. I had been thinking of doing it for awhile, then a friend started a FF team, so I joined. The guidelines of FF are no refined sugar, but I’m extending it to no artificial sweetener (which I don’t eat anyway) and no sugar replacements like stevia, honey or syrup of any kind. What’s the point in giving up sugar when I can still buy the most amazing vegan chocolate! I know I’ve made it a bit harder for myself, but I feel accountable because I’m doing FF with friends. And I think it’s been good going cold turkey.

I have survived four days without chocolate. I think it was a blessing that it started on the weekend, it seemed to be easier then than Monday at work. When I got to that awful 3pm time, I started thinking about hot chocolate and that jar of chocolates on someone’s desk was calling me! But I didn’t succumb, I survived!

It’s interesting; I think I am actually thinking about food less. I love food, everything about it: buying it, preparing it and especially eating it. But today, for dinner I had a giant green smoothie! It was delish and filling.

A while back my naturopath told me that my thyroid was in the lower end of normal, and having read a lot of Sarah Wilson’s blog, she talks about how her thyroid condition improved when she gave up sugar. It took awhile, and she has hashimoto’s which is more severe than me, but I’m hoping I get good results too. I find it incredibly hard to lose weight so theoretically if my thyroid is working better, I should lose weight more easily.

Been busy, but I’m back

Wow, it’s been ages since my last post.

The time has flown; it’s been a busy few weeks. I can’t believe we’re so close to Christmas.

The last month has been good. I’ve had some really fun events with family and friends. And my work is going really well.

But that’s not really what I wanted to write about.

I wanted to write about health and bingeing and all the other things I always focus on. The bingeing has been okay, not fantastic but certainly not that bad. I’ve started to think about my bingeing habits as low level and high level. I define high level as that totally out of control, will eat anything around teamed with extreme negative thoughts. Even though it is about it being a large amount of food, it’s more about how out of control I feel.

I haven’t had any high level binges in more than a month. That’s a good thing and I’m proud of myself for that.

But my low level bingeing is still there. Maybe some people would say that I’m not bingeing that I’m just overeating. But I know that it’s bingeing. Sometimes it’s like I don’t think about what I’m doing. These binges typically go the same way. I’m usually at the supermarket, I might be walking around with a basket or a trolley and I go down the confectionary or snack aisle and mindlessly through a couple of things in the trolley. I still look at what I throw in. I check out what is on sale. But I never stop and think (like I always say I will). I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I know that I do the thing that I should never do – go shopping when I’m hungry. But that’s not always the reason.

I always tell myself that that will be the last time. But it’s not. I do it a couple of times a week.

So these low level binges then end up with me at home, sometimes wanting the binge food and sometimes not. But I already have it at home so I eat it. Sometimes I will polish off a large packet of chips, or a chocolate block (usually the Lindt ones, so they are big, but actually only a bit bigger than a Cadbury individual chocolate block….man, I sound like I am justifying this).

I don’t usually finish things off in one go. But I always start on the food as soon as I get home, but after thinking why did I even buy this stuff?

I get so frustrated in myself.

I’ve been doing this about once a week, sometimes twice a week.

It’s not enough to have caused me to put on weight. Yet. Because I still eat really healthy food for most of the time. But it has made it impossible to lose weight.

I’ve also been struggling with some negative thoughts – maybe it’s the holiday season.

Feeling in control

Two days ago, I almost binged.

I didn’t quite realise it at the time. But all the tell tale signs were there.

The day started off okay, it wasn’t my usual routine though. The thing that totally threw it out of whack was that I didn’t have my usual meals at the usual times.

Instead of having breakfast as soon as I get to work, I had a handful of nuts on the go.

Instead of having my usual lunch, I was out and about and grabbed something quick a bit later.

Because I had a late lunch, I wasn’t hungry at dinner and picked. Then I picked some more. I hadn’t done my weekly shop so I didn’t have much food around the house. But each time I picked I would have something small, and a little bit later I’d be hungry. Repeat.

Usually that kind of picking and eating small bits that don’t fill me up sets me up for a binge.

But in hindsight, the things I picked at were not really unhealthy, and the total quantity was not that different to a typical meal for me.

It’s nice to feel in control.

I’m ba-ack

It’s funny how a week ago I was feeling totally unmotivated. I had a binge slip up a bit over a week ago, and the few days after that my positivity dipped. But now I feel like it’s back.

I have no idea why.

I haven’t been sleeping well, but despite that my eating has been pretty good and super healthy, except I had one chocolate today. But it was just one regular sized chocolate bar. I can live with that.

My weight hasn’t moved at all. It seems to constantly stay around the same. Even when I binge and my food isn’t great and right through to when I’m eating super healthy and exercising regularly.

Maybe it’s because one cancels the other out?

I’ve also realised that I will never be consistent. Sometimes I’ll be positive and healthy and tracking well with my overall health, and other times I’ll feel down and not that great. But I guess if I can make those lows not so low, and the highs not so high I’ll be much more consistent and in the long run this seems better.

Is it weird that I’m in my 30’s and I’ve just realised this? Haha.

Balance. That’s what it’s all about. I don’t think I’m very good at it but I’ll give it a go.

Time for a vent

I hate, hate, hate it when skinny people talk about needing to lose weight.

I’ve gotten to the point where if a friend of mine starts saying anything like this. I turn silent. I refuse to offer a sympathetic ear and exacerbate their already warped view of their body.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not mean about it. I listen, I nod. I let them talk. But inside me. I am holding on to every bit of self-control to not roll my eyes or tell them to wake up, that they look great.

Every now and again I will tell them that they look great, and that they’re stressing over nothing.

I know that everybody, regardless of his or her body size, has an issue with weight. Everybody wants to be bigger here, smaller there, firmer here and softer there.

Maybe this frustration speaks more to my issues than anything else.

And I’m sure that me not commenting about my weight says more than anything else. But because nobody knows about my binge eating I just couldn’t bear if someone was to unknowingly minimise my situation by saying that I should just eat less and exercise more. There is so much more to it than that.

When someone comments on their weight and to me they look healthy, depending on my state of mind I either think they are fishing for a compliment or they have a warped view of themselves (mostly I think the latter).

Thank you to anyone who has read this.

Big sigh to get this off my chest; I’m sure many people have thought this before.

Where is my mind

The last few days since my last post have been funny kinds of days.

I’ve been pretty busy, and had lots to occupy my mind.

In my last post, 4 days ago, I talked about a binge. I haven’t binged since, but I have been overeating. A bit too much snacking, including getting into the lolly jar at work. Usually I avoid it because it brings back bad habits; I easily slip into the mid-afternoon sugar-craving urge. If I give in and have chocolate or lollies, I will usually crave the same a few hours later. That happened today. It wasn’t a typical binge, but I bought chocolate and ate it all, and it was too much for one sitting.

So I’ve been thinking about what’s been happening over the last few days to cause my motivation to dip. I feel like I’m kind of distracted from my health goals, which is eating healthy and not bingeing.

I haven’t been weighing myself. Previously, I’ve said that I shouldn’t weigh myself but since I’ve stopped I’ve binged and haven’t been eating my usual healthy foods. Not sure if there is a correlation there. On the one hand, maybe weighing myself keeps me accountable and is a daily reminder of my weight loss goals. But on the other hand it wasn’t great for my confidence.

Also, feeling so distracted has resulted in me eating mindlessly. I just eat without thinking, and before I know it I’m going back for seconds. The same with when I go food shopping, I just throw things in the basket. Today, I just wanted chocolate and just threw it in, it wasn’t a conscious thought. I didn’t give myself the time to process if that’s what I really wanted, and if there was a healthier alternative that I would be happy with.

Well, today’s lesson is clear, slow down and be mindful. Reflect and think about what I’m doing before I actually do it.

Here’s a very fitting song for how I’m feeling by the wonderful Pixies.

Major stuff up today

The day started off okay. I went out for lunch with friends, had a couple of glasses of wine. Then I stopped at the shops on my way home. I should have just gone straight home, there was nothing I needed to get that couldn’t wait.

I don’t know what came over me. I kept on putting item after item in my shopping basket. Food that I didn’t need: chips, popcorn, chocolate and biscuits.

When I got home I picked at everything, but I didn’t finish anything.

Initially I had this weird excitement, and then when I started eating I just didn’t want it and felt awful. But I kept on picking at it.

It didn’t go as long as some binges. I started with one item. Then would stop. Then I’d start again with the next item.

Even after the first couple of bites I realised I didn’t want it. But I didn’t stop straight away.

I still have the food sitting on my kitchen table. I’ve put it into a plastic bag. I know if I keep it in the house I risk eating it later tonight or tomorrow. I’m going to throw it in the rubbish bin outside.

I feel sick and awful.