Feeling in control

Two days ago, I almost binged.

I didn’t quite realise it at the time. But all the tell tale signs were there.

The day started off okay, it wasn’t my usual routine though. The thing that totally threw it out of whack was that I didn’t have my usual meals at the usual times.

Instead of having breakfast as soon as I get to work, I had a handful of nuts on the go.

Instead of having my usual lunch, I was out and about and grabbed something quick a bit later.

Because I had a late lunch, I wasn’t hungry at dinner and picked. Then I picked some more. I hadn’t done my weekly shop so I didn’t have much food around the house. But each time I picked I would have something small, and a little bit later I’d be hungry. Repeat.

Usually that kind of picking and eating small bits that don’t fill me up sets me up for a binge.

But in hindsight, the things I picked at were not really unhealthy, and the total quantity was not that different to a typical meal for me.

It’s nice to feel in control.

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I’m ba-ack

It’s funny how a week ago I was feeling totally unmotivated. I had a binge slip up a bit over a week ago, and the few days after that my positivity dipped. But now I feel like it’s back.

I have no idea why.

I haven’t been sleeping well, but despite that my eating has been pretty good and super healthy, except I had one chocolate today. But it was just one regular sized chocolate bar. I can live with that.

My weight hasn’t moved at all. It seems to constantly stay around the same. Even when I binge and my food isn’t great and right through to when I’m eating super healthy and exercising regularly.

Maybe it’s because one cancels the other out?

I’ve also realised that I will never be consistent. Sometimes I’ll be positive and healthy and tracking well with my overall health, and other times I’ll feel down and not that great. But I guess if I can make those lows not so low, and the highs not so high I’ll be much more consistent and in the long run this seems better.

Is it weird that I’m in my 30’s and I’ve just realised this? Haha.

Balance. That’s what it’s all about. I don’t think I’m very good at it but I’ll give it a go.

Time for a vent

I hate, hate, hate it when skinny people talk about needing to lose weight.

I’ve gotten to the point where if a friend of mine starts saying anything like this. I turn silent. I refuse to offer a sympathetic ear and exacerbate their already warped view of their body.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not mean about it. I listen, I nod. I let them talk. But inside me. I am holding on to every bit of self-control to not roll my eyes or tell them to wake up, that they look great.

Every now and again I will tell them that they look great, and that they’re stressing over nothing.

I know that everybody, regardless of his or her body size, has an issue with weight. Everybody wants to be bigger here, smaller there, firmer here and softer there.

Maybe this frustration speaks more to my issues than anything else.

And I’m sure that me not commenting about my weight says more than anything else. But because nobody knows about my binge eating I just couldn’t bear if someone was to unknowingly minimise my situation by saying that I should just eat less and exercise more. There is so much more to it than that.

When someone comments on their weight and to me they look healthy, depending on my state of mind I either think they are fishing for a compliment or they have a warped view of themselves (mostly I think the latter).

Thank you to anyone who has read this.

Big sigh to get this off my chest; I’m sure many people have thought this before.