Major stuff up today

The day started off okay. I went out for lunch with friends, had a couple of glasses of wine. Then I stopped at the shops on my way home. I should have just gone straight home, there was nothing I needed to get that couldn’t wait.

I don’t know what came over me. I kept on putting item after item in my shopping basket. Food that I didn’t need: chips, popcorn, chocolate and biscuits.

When I got home I picked at everything, but I didn’t finish anything.

Initially I had this weird excitement, and then when I started eating I just didn’t want it and felt awful. But I kept on picking at it.

It didn’t go as long as some binges. I started with one item. Then would stop. Then I’d start again with the next item.

Even after the first couple of bites I realised I didn’t want it. But I didn’t stop straight away.

I still have the food sitting on my kitchen table. I’ve put it into a plastic bag. I know if I keep it in the house I risk eating it later tonight or tomorrow. I’m going to throw it in the rubbish bin outside.

I feel sick and awful.

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8 thoughts on “Major stuff up today

  1. All is not lost. Read this http://humannaturedevelopment.com/2013/09/17/having-a-down-day/ – it’s all about how backwards step is not the end of the world. Though I think deep down you know that 🙂 Ask yourself what you can learn from it (which you may already have done) and allow the feelings you’re feeling – the horribleness of it – to register. Don’t judge the feelings, just allow yourself to register and notice them, so that next time you find yourself doing the same, you can call these feelings to mind and ask yourself if you’d rather make a different choice.

  2. Focus on the positive. At least you were aware that you didn’t really like any of it, instead of being totally numb. At least you only picked at some of each, you didn’t finish every bag of everything you bought! I had a binge just yesterday. I ate SO much junk food that I also threw the rest away, they are really not worth it!

      • Yeah.. once the binge started it’s hard for me to stop even if I’m aware of what I’m doing. My best bet is to distract myself when I feel the “binge wave” coming on.

  3. Thank you for your encouraging words on my post! I read this post of yours earlier today and have been hoping the rest of you day has been better.

    I like getting the most for my money, which is a bad combination with binge food 😦 I will feel compelled to finish binge food I’ve purchased in several sessions throughout the day, in an effort to not waste it by throwing it away and because I want to start the next day clean without it.

    If I am able to make myself throw away leftovers, I have to destroy any possibility of them being edible later so I can’t get them out of the trash later. I’m not sure why, but throwing it away makes me want to buy more. It’s similar to how a binge urge intensifies when a person or situation ends up getting in my way of a planned binge. It makes me all the more OCD about completing the task.

    I have a recovery buddy and we text before getting groceries if we feel bingey. Checking in with each other after too, and just knowing we will always admit slips to each other helps to stay on track.

    Do you have anything to help keep binge urges from building?

    • Hi. You’re welcome!

      I know what you mean about the money thing, I have (kind of) moved past that. I used to keep the food, and go back later that day or the next. I threw the stuff out this morning and kept on saying in my head ‘this does not make me feel better’. It worked, but only after I ate a bit more (not quite a binge, more just picking at it).

      I wrote the post late last night, and today I am feeling much better.

      I don’t have a recovery buddy I’m afraid – that’s great that you have and it works.

      I guess I have a few things in my ‘tool box’ to prevent the binges, having this blog has been great because when I write what’s going on and I feel like I get more perspective and can think rationally.

  4. I know absolutely how you feel, I’ve read through all the comments and I find them all interesting. I know the more I try to fight the binge, the more it intensifies. The more I try to ‘recognise’ it, the binge just continues. Ive never actually stopped myself in the middle of a binge I think. I have things in my tool box but there has never been one fool proof tool! I guess if there was then we’d all be cured! Good luck on recovery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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