Looking back is funny (but not ha ha funny)

Hello again.

In my first few posts I posted a journal entry from about a year and a half ago. I’m going to continue along that thread and post one from the 19 June 2012.

It’s really bizarre to read back on this entry. I can’t believe I was even considering alcohol as a binge pause button!? Crazy stuff. I might have done that a few times last year, but it was really no more than that. Not a good idea.

In my previous post I said that I couldn’t keep a food diary because it increases my focus on food, and I already obsess about it way too much.

Reading back on this last journal entry it seems like journaling was kind of doing the same thing.

I don’t ever remember binging every day (more than the occasional time anyway) so it’s odd to think I had being doing it every day while I was writing in my journal. So much of the literature out there advises that writing a journal is a good idea for anyone with the slightest inkling of an eating disorder. But it doesn’t really work for me. I eventually stopped with the journal writing.

I wonder if blogging will do the same thing?

I feel like I’m in quite a different head space to back then, I’m much more focused, hopeful and optimistic so I will forge ahead with my blogging (for now anyway).

—-

11.30pm

I had my exam today, I was pretty stressed and didn’t realise how much until I finished. Thank god that is over. My food intake earlier in the day was good, all the way until lunch anyway. On my way to the exam I bought myself a chocolate bar. The sensible part of me, keeping in mind the stuff I’ve been reading says that one chocolate bar in moderation is okay. If I don’t have any of the food I like I’ll be more likely to buy it in bulk and binge. But the non-sensible part of me is guilty and I feel like I’m cheating on a diet.

I’ve been reading Stephanie’s tips for preventing binges. The first tip is to create a no-fail environment, and find your pause button. Towards the end of today, after I got home, I started snacking and couldn’t stop. I didn’t have much junk food in the house and I never considered going and buying some, although I often would have in the past. But I went through the pantry and fridge opening this and that, even when I knew I wasn’t hungry. I guess the positive things are that I didn’t stuff myself stupid so I’m not uncomfortably full, I just feel like I’ve had a meal. When I wanted to stop I had an alcoholic drink, Frangelico my favourite. I know that is probably a bad habit to get into, replacing food for alcohol. But while I’m having it I don’t want anything else, and providing I just have one it can’t be too bad. After I had it I went and finished off the packed of crackers I opened. They were the light wafer kind, it’s kind of like eating card board, and they are not heavy at all which is why I don’t feel like I’ve binged. But the fact that I didn’t need them indicates that it was a binge.

So my pause button, could alcohol be my pause button for now? Maybe until I find a better one. I’ve been thinking about not being so hard on myself, I can be really hard on myself and make myself quite miserable after I’ve had a binge. I feel like the guilt and shame is so over powering that it’s all I can think of. I regret binging today, and I feel some guilt and shame but the extent is not as bad.

I don’t have binges on consecutive days yet I have since I’ve been writing this journal. I wonder if because so much of my focus is on eating that I keep on thinking of binging and it’s going to turn into a vicious cycle. Could that happen? Surely brushing things under the carpet is worse.

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