I love food, I hate food

Me and food. We’re old friends and enemies. Sometimes we get along so well. And other times we clash.

I love good, healthy food. But I also love chocolate and cheese and wine and a good parma (I am an Aussie after all).

For the last ten or so years I’ve struggled with binge eating on and off. It started way back when I was renting an apartment and had an awful roomy that would steal my food. So I started keeping some food in my bedroom. I was upset one night and started eating, and couldn’t stop. It wasn’t like from that moment I was a binge eater. It was very gradual. Surprisingly, it has taken me years to pinpoint that moment. I just always thought there was something wrong in my head, or I was greedy and liked to over-indulge.

Over the years I’ve had moments where I didn’t binge at all. But when I did binge, it was a constant at the back of my mind. I was so angry with myself, because all I could think of was food.

So like last time, I have copied a journal entry from last year. A time when I thought writing a journal would help. It did, I guess to some extent. It helped me to think carefully about what I was thinking at the time I binged. But it didn’t cure me.

This is a journal entry from 18 June 2012.

4.30pm

Spent most of the day studying at the library, having taken my own advice from yesterday. It was good to be out of the house and I was quite productive although I still have plenty to do.

Food wise, I have been pretty good today. Much better than yesterday at least. I have snacked though, and just ate some bread because it was deliciously fresh and warm so it was hard to resist. I ate a couple of bits, probably equivalent to a medium sized bread role. I could have eaten more but I stopped myself and have put it away.

I’m going to study for a while and then cook some dinner. But I am only going to cook enough for one meal tonight.

I feel so much better having spent the day out of the house.

8.00pm

So I just finished dinner and I did exactly what I said. I cooked one portion, I ate it slowly and it was just enough. But for some stupid reason I finished off that olive bread that I bought today. I just sat and finished it off. Now I am uncomfortably full. And before long I’ll be sleepy and so much for cramming before the exam.

Why do I jeopardise myself like this?

I don’t even know what emotion I was feeling when I did it. I know I’m feeling a bit worried and stressed about my exam tomorrow, but it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind while I ate. But maybe it was just the fact that it was in my subconscious.

I’m going to try to forget about it and just focus on study for the next couple of hours. At least until I finish off the questions.

I’m so not feeling prepared for this exam but hopefully I will at least scrape through with a pass. I don’t care what I get as long as I pass and don’t have to do it again.

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