Let me introduce myself

Wow. Hello. So this is my first blog. I’ve never done this before.

But I’ve always liked writing so let’s give it a go!

I’m going to make my first few blogs a little different, rather than starting from scratch I’m going to go back in time and add in some of my personal journal entries. When I read back on them all I can think is how bad my head space seemed. 

I won’t add them in all at once, that would be a bit of an over share (and way too much to read!).

So here is my first one….dated 17 June 2012.

——

5.00pm

I’ve known for a while that I have a really bad relationship with food. I know that I’m an emotional eater. But I feel like I want to eat whatever emotion I’m having. And how can you go through a day without emotions. Sigh.

I’ve been watching you tube videos on over eating and binge eating. They make a lot of sense to me. I’ve been feeling pretty positive and good, but today I binged again. If I had junk food in the house I would have eaten it straight away. But I didn’t. I went to the shops and bought food then came home and ate a packet of shapes biscuits and four cookies. Half way through I was full and had that too much sugar feeling, but I didn’t stop. I kept going. Well, I left a few biscuits in the box but that was only because I started feeling sick.

As soon as I finished I felt so ashamed. I kept on thinking about Stephanie’s video blog saying not to feel bad and put yourself down because of a binge, it doesn’t help. I know that but I still feel guilty. I’m trying to reflect on why I did it. I guess I was feeling bored because I’ve been studying so much, almost like if I have to stay home and study, eating food that I didn’t need was a reward. I don’t know. It wasn’t a conscious thought though. I wish that when I felt like chocolate or a biscuit or chips I could be satisfied with buying a small packet or portion and just eating that. But today I ate a giant box and four big cookies. I have more chocolate in the cupboard.

I feel like journals are kind of lame. But the advice was to document and seeing things in black and white can be helpful.

Next time I’m bored I should think of something to occupy my mind. I’m studying so it’s not like my mind wasn’t occupied, but I guess I wanted something entertaining or fun.

I am a good person, I deserve to be happy. I can be at a healthy weight. I don’t expect that I’ll ever be skinny but I’m the heaviest I have ever been, even losing five kilo’s would make me feel better. When I was living at home it was so easy to blame my parents for all the chocolates and biscuits that were around, now I have nobody to blame but myself. Deep down I know that I could have said no, but it was so hard when food was always around. Now, I don’t keep junk food at home and I don’t binge every day or every week even. But it happens often enough that I know it is what is preventing me from being at a healthy and normal weight.

I won’t be too hard on myself. I recognise that I ate because I was bored. I know that I do this when I’m at home for the whole day. I know that I need something else to occupy my time and I should probably aim to study out of the house, for at least some of the day. It’s hard when the weather is so bad. I guess I could go to the public library or a café.

Tomorrow is another day. I want to be happy and healthy and feel comfortable with myself.

6.15pm

I think that next time I’m feeling bored and want to eat food that I don’t need I will have a cup of peppermint tea. I’m having one now and it is cleansing and refreshing.

It’s worth a go.

10.30pm

Even though I didn’t want them, just knowing that I had chocolate in the cupboard made me want to eat them. I had just cooked some dinner, not that I ate much of it because I ate so much throughout the day, but I felt like I needed to eat something nutritious. But after dinner I went back to the chocolate.

I think it is too hard for me to even have chocolate in the house. I need to focus on how I feel when I go shopping, and just not go shopping if I am even thinking of junk food to binge on. I am able to go to the shops and buy healthy food, when I have a clear mind and I’m feeling good I’m fine and I don’t feel tempted. When I’m like that and I want chocolate I can just buy a bar, but often I don’t. It’s all or nothing.

Now I am really full and tired. I’m lying in bed typing this and I’m going to watch some tv and go to sleep. I probably have so much sugar in my system that I wont be able to sleep. I also didn’t do as much study today as I should have. I procrastinate so much, which is fine if there is nothing specific I have to do, but I have to study. I can’t risk failing. I know this yet I still jeopardise myself. I will be so angry with myself if I fail my exam.

So much for thinking journals are lame. I’m already onto page two.

I’m so full.

Tomorrow is another day. It’s a fresh start.

Today I recognise that it was boredom that played a big part in how I felt and why I binged. Tomorrow I will take what I have reflected on today and study somewhere outside of the house, this is why I bought a laptop after all. Tonight I can decide if I’ll just go to the library, or a café somewhere.

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One thought on “Let me introduce myself

  1. i realised that boredom was a big part of my binge/purge cycle too. At first i had the binge urges because my body was ‘starving’, and after i tried structured eating, the binge urges revolved around being bored or drinking. Good luck on recovery!

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